


Prank Wars

by Lasgalendil



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adorable Finn (Star Wars), BAMF Leia Organa, Demisexual Poe Dameron, Finn Needs A Hug (Star Wars), First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Force-Sensitive Leia Organa, Friends to Lovers, M/M, POV Finn (Star Wars), POV Poe Dameron, POV Rey (Star Wars), Pining, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Protective Poe Dameron, Sharing a Bed, a literal steaming pile of bantha shit, matchmaker leia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:31:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22079242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lasgalendil/pseuds/Lasgalendil
Summary: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, General Leia Organa of Alderaan was a little shit.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey, Poe Dameron & Leia Organa, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 14
Kudos: 142





	1. Chapter 1

It may have come as a surprise to some, but the First Order had been highly invested in the health of their assets.

“But you didn’t even have names!” Rey had protested.

“No,” General Organa had understood immediately. “But the cost of feeding, armoring, and brainwashing Stormtroopers from childhood is prohibitively expensive. You don’t invest that sort of time and money and let it go to waste.” She was a busy woman, with many pressing matters, and not enough time in the galaxy, but she’d understood. Accepted his account without question. It was for this reason Finn went to her when he began to experience symptoms.

“Uh, General?” Finn approached her after a briefing.

“Yes, Finn?” General Organa asked in that way of hers, all open and intent, like you were the most important person in the universe. He always froze under her gaze. It was as powerful as Hux or Phasma’s had ever been, but with none of the hostility. He never quite knew what to do.

“Take your time,” She assured him.

Finn sighed. It was for her and everyone else’s protection. “I need to report to be quarantined.”

“Oh?”

“I’m suffering from an illness. It would be best not to spread it around the base.”

“An illness?” she asked, and immediately gestured for him to sit. “Do you have a fever? A cough? A rash? Do I need to call a nurse droid?”

“N-no,” Finn said. “I just—wanted to make you aware.”

“An illness.” She repeated.

“An illness.” Finn affirmed.

“What—“ she stopped. “What sort of illness? You said no fever?”

“Well, no. Most of the time. Sometimes I get…flushed? And feel too hot? And my heart starts racing? And it’s hard to breathe?” Finn rushed. “I get sweaty, and sometimes shaky, and I feel a bit sick.” That, and the other thing. Finn had been raised in a fascist cult, and was still new to regular social norms, but something told him you didn’t mention _that_ to the General of the Resistance. It was embarrassing enough as it was.

“I see.” The General nodded gravely. “And when do you…_experience_ these symptoms?”

With Poe. Around Poe. Near Poe. Thinking about Poe. “Just, you know. In general?”

“I see.” She said.

“You do?” Finn wondered hopefully.

“Yes. The infirmary isn’t necessary.” General Organa decided. “I suggest you talk to Poe.”

“Poe?” Finn blinked, confused. How could she know?

“Poe,” The General repeated. And was that? Did her eyes just _sparkle—?_ Finn was getting better at reading body language and facial expressions, but he’d clearly misread this one. General Organa, leader of the Resistance, did _not_ look like she was about to burst into giggles. “You know, resistance pilot, dashing good looks and rakish charm, you rescued him from a Star Destroyer once?”

“Oh.” Finn nodded, feeling as clueless as ever. “That Poe.”

* * *

“Poe?”

“Yeah, buddy?” Poe was friendly with everyone, Finn knew, but he only called BB-8 and Finn ‘buddy’. Finn’s heart sped up and his palms got all sweaty every time Poe said it. The symptoms were definitely worst around Poe. He tried not to think too much of it.

“General Organa sent me to find you.”

“What is it?” Poe was on his feet in an instant, pulling on his pilot suit and reaching for his helmet. “Are we under attack? Did the Bothans call for back up?”

“Um, no?” Finn said. At least not that he knew of. “She just said, find you.”

“Find me for what?”

Finn explained. Poe listened patiently, face stoic as he listed his symptoms in detail.

“Find me?” Poe repeated in a dead monotone.

“That’s what she said?”

“Did she.” Poe said, eyes narrowing.

“Yeah, wait, where are you going—?”

* * *

The thing you had to know about General Leia Organa of Alderaan was that she was a brilliant tactician, fearless leader, a dead shot, and was hands down the most conniving piece of shit prankster in the parsec. Send you on an important intelligence gathering mission that turned out to be a food pick up? Leia. Startled awake to a false alarm? Leia. Put dye in your helmet while you were sleeping? Leia. And the worst part was, everyone was either too afraid or too amused to call her on it.

Poe Dameron was neither afraid nor amused. Poe Dameron was fragging _pissed_.

“I’ve told you,” Poe shouted. “Stop meddling!”

“Meddling?” Leia raised an eyebrow. “I was only trying to help.”

“You can’t just—“

“Oh?” Leia drew herself up to her full height. “Can’t I?”

Poe paused. Took a deep breath. This wasn’t his friend, this was _General Leia Organa of Alderaan_, leader of the Resistance, even if she did mother hen him at times and haze new recruits worse than the COs at flight school. “It’s Finn, okay? You can’t just force him into these things. He’s not _like_ everyone else.”

“Poe Dameron, that boy overcame a lifetime of brainwashing, broke you from prison, and escaped the First Order,” Leia leveled him with A Look. “By all accounts, no one can _force_ Finn to do anything.”

“You sent him to me.” Poe insisted. “For this.”

“You’re his friend.” Leia said, feigning innocence. “He’d be most comfortable confiding in you.”

“Bantha. Shit.” Poe answered.

“That’s actually an pretty good idea…” Leia muttered to herself as he walked away.

Poe turned in the doorway. “Don’t you dare.”

* * *

Rey woke up.

She rolled over, sat up, and hopped out of bed.

…Immediately into a steaming pile of bantha shit.

“What?” she asked blearily, still too tired to process. It couldn’t be bantha shit. She lifted her foot. Sniffed. Oh, no. That was _definitely_ bantha shit. On a space ship. In _space_.

Was it Finn? It had to be Finn, she thought, scrubbing her feet off with soap and a rag. She’d use the sink, but the thought of wasting so much precious water on something so insignificant rankled her.

It was Finn. It was definitely Finn, she decided, and resolved to return the favor with interest.


	2. Chapter 2

Stormtroopers slept in communal quarters. It’d been the hardest thing to get used to, here at the Rebel Base. The sleeping alone. There was something so disconcerting about being so alone, so vulnerable. It was hard to fall asleep. It was even harder staying asleep.

…which would all be well and fine if the problem didn’t, well, _arise_.

Leia had said to talk to Poe. Poe had stormed off. He could try, well, he could try talking to Rey. He doubted she’d understand, though. Rey was used to sleeping, eating, and living alone. So much so the cafeteria still frightened her. He’d brought her most of her meals in her room. But he’d known her first, and known her the longest. She was used to fending for herself. Rey would know what to do.

He walked across the hall. Knocked on her door. “Hey, Rey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Rey shrugged coolly. “I mean, I’m still scrubbing bantha shit from underneath my toenails, but if you feel like risking it…” she trailed off.

“Bantha shit?” Finn blinked.

“Bantha shit.” She repeated.

“…has it been there since Jakku?” Finn tried.

“No.”

“Er, then how?”

“You tell me, Finn.” Rey gave him with a look that promised a slow and excruciating vengeance. “You tell me.”

* * *

Poe Dameron was exhausted after that last mission. Three dogfights, a fuel leak, and BB-8 taking TIE fighter fire that damaged their comms unit meant he’d spent the last eighteen hours or so in a state of constant panic, not knowing if the little droid was alive or not. But the repair mechanics had assured him BB-8 would be fine, would have their new hardware installed in a matter of hours, be fit to fly again.

He needed food, needed a shower, and needed a long night’s sleep. Make that several nights. The last thing he needed was to open the door to his quarters to find Finn sprawled out on his bed.

…he was going to kill Leia. He was going to kill Leia Organa and be executed for treason.

“Hey, buddy—“ Poe began.

“I think Rey hates me.” Finn sighed to the ceiling.

“No, buddy, c’mon. Rey’s your friend. She doesn’t hate you.” Poe prompted, and nudged Finn’s leg so he could sit on the edge of the bed. “Why’d you think that?”

“Well, I went to her for help,” Finn said. “You know, about my problem? And she just—“

“Did she laugh at you?” Poe prodded gently.

“What? No!” Finn sat up. “She just kept going on about bantha shit? I’m so confused.”

“So am I, buddy.” Poe sighed. “So am I.”

* * *

Rey was a genius. An evil genius.

She cobbled the parts together from the repair bay, and used an old seat harness to hang it. When Finn opened the door to the small en suit latrine tonight, the Stormtrooper facsimile she’d pulled together would swing out at him.

Finn was _definitely _going to piss his pants.

She waited gleefully, anticipation keeping her from sleep. The hours wore on. She looked at the clock. Frowned. Her work was impeccable. She’d hung it perfectly. She needed to go investigate what was causing all the, well, whatever the opposite of a fuss was, really.

She picked the lock. Pulled the door open soundlessly. Tiptoed into the room.

…Finn’s bed was empty.

Rey snorted to herself. “About kriffing time, really.” She was happy for him. She really was. She was also, however, absolutely _delighted _for herself. The only thing better than Finn stumbling into the Stormtrooper half asleep in the middle of the night was Finn getting the shit scared out of him all relaxed and sleepy after sex.


	3. Chapter 3

Despite Poe’s protests, Finn still wasn’t entirely convinced Rey wasn’t plotting his murder. The last time he’d seen that expression, she’d beaten up two would-be-droidnappers, then chased him across a town square and tackled him with her staff.

…he also didn’t want to sleep alone. It was comfortable here, hearing the soft sound of Poe’s breath. Knowing another person was present, would have his back if something were to happen.

“Do you think—“ he began.

“Hmm?” Poe asked, nodding off as he sat on the bedside.

“Nothing.” Finn said. “It’s nothing.

“C’mon, buddy. You know you can tell me anything.” Poe prompted.

“Alright,” Finn sighed. “Do you think I could stay here tonight?”

* * *

Okay. Alright. This was…happening.

Shit. This was actually happening. Finn had finally figured shit out, and had come to him. It wasn’t like Poe was generally opposed to the idea. Finn was funny. Kind. Brave. Definitely his friend. No denying he was attractive, either. No problem on that front.

…the problem was that Poe Dameron, Resistance Pilot, shit talker, and generally renown badass, had never actually _done_ it. There was a time in childhood when that was all Very Normal, but then everyone else had started liking girls, or boys, or girls and boys, but Poe just hadn’t. He wasn’t against being close to someone, had done his fair share of being kissed and cuddled, but had learned fairly quickly that people expected more.

People wanted more, and Poe didn’t. The idea of sex didn’t _repulse_ him, per se, it’s just—well. He’d never actually met anyone who’d interested him that way.

And then Finn. Brave, ridiculous Finn. Finn who had found BB-8 and brought the map to the Resistance, Finn who had rescued him at great risk to himself, all because it was the right thing to do. He hadn’t pressed about Finn’s upbringing, but everything he’d experienced pointed to Finn being socially stunted, and from what the med droids had reported he’d shown signs of being _chemically castrated_, fragging First Order. He’d wanted to give Finn time to find himself first before bringing up the issue, that’s all.

…Poe’d just sort of figured he’d have more time.

“Uh, yeah.” Poe bit his lip nervously. “I mean, yeah! You um, you brought protection, right?”

Finn sat up. “Protection?” He asked, bewildered. “Protection from what?”

* * *

Rey was a Jedi. A member of an ancient order of stoic, emotionless space wizards or some shit. Jedi were serious, controlled, and spoke in enigmatic parables and prophecies. Jedi, she had been assured, did not _cackle_.

“How can you not have done it!” Rey gasped in what only a very brave or a very stupid person would call a cackle. “How can neither of you two have done it?!”

“I just. Never really found anyone.” Poe said defensively.

“Looking like that!” Rey cried, tears steaming down her face. “Looking like that and you’ve ‘never found anyone?’”

“Rey.” Protested Finn.

“And you!” Rey said. “Look at you! What’s your excuse?”

“Well, I was raised as a child soldier and only recently found out I’d been chemically castrated since puberty, so—“

“Wait, castrated?” Rey asked.

“Chemically.” Finn enunciated. “In case anyone here is interested. In…that.”

Poe put his face in his hands.

“Then how do Stormtroopers make babies?” Rey asked.

“They don’t.” Finn said. “They kidnap children or make clones.”

“Oh.” Rey said, stopping short. The whole thing was suddenly much less funny than it had been.

“That’s…” Poe began.

“A damn shame.” Rey asserted. “I mean, look at this beautiful man!”

“Rey,” Poe asked. “Are you hitting on Finn _for _me?”

“Well, _someone_ has to do it,” she grinned.

“So.” Finn said hopefully, grabbing Poe’s hand. “Any…advice?”

Rey snorted. “I don’t know, talk it out? Take it slow? Have fun?”

“But you’ve,” Finn paused. “Done it?”

“Uh, yeah. Grew up on Jakku. You get bored pretty quick,” she shrugged. “That, and you have to trade for things.”

“That sounds…” Finn began.

“Terrible.” Poe finished.

“It is what it is,” Rey shrugged. “But your first time gets to be with someone you actually like. How fun is that?”


	4. Epilogue

Rey didn’t actually mean to spy. It’s just, the walls were pretty thin here, that’s all. From the sound of it, those two idiots were getting on alright.

She had just drifted off to sleep when there came a shriek from across the hall.

“Oh, shit,” she said.

And that was the story of how a semi-naked rebel fighter and an ex-stormtrooper did _not_ have sex and instead slept all cuddled up with her in her bed with the lights on. “Most feared pilot in the Resistance,” Rey grumbled as Poe’s cold feet touched her leg. “Scurge of the First Order, my ass.”


End file.
